Be Kind to Your Workmates - Give Them a Germ!

The company I work for got worried a little while ago about the absence rate among its staff.
Now there are many possible reasons why there should be such a high rate, among them genuine illness, wanting the day off to go shopping, low motivation, lack of confidence in the management leading to depression, etc. I honestly believe that the first reason listed there is by far and away the genuine reason for most staff absence. Most of us are not lead-swingers, we try to do an honest day's work for our pay.
But the company decided that too much staff absence was due to reasons other than illness. Never mind that the lack of motivation could lead some to think perhaps it wasn't worth going in to work. Never mind that the lack of real one-to-one communication between manager and staff member made it difficult to discuss any problems, whether of health or other issues. No, we are all a load of lazy bastards and need teaching a lesson. So was born the slogan "Absence makes your friends work harder". And to back this up, when you get back to work after illness a manager goes through a questionnaire with you to find out your reasons for absence. Not to counsel you and find your problems with a view to helping you, because that would involve the manager having real contact with you, but questions dictated by the questionnaire with no variation. In other words you are just another absence statistic.
If you have more than one illness you are placed on a list of suspects. If the number increases, for whatever reason, you could face disciplinary proceedings!
Thus people who genuinely should not be in work come into work. Sometimes this just affects them and the way they work, for example an injured back. Other times it affects all their colleagues because they pass on germs and disease to their colleagues. Yes, absence does make your colleagues work harder - but causing them to have to absent themselves from work because you were too scared to stay at home causes your colleagues considerably more inconvenience and discomfort.
"So, Joe, why did you take yesterday off?"
"Well, Mr Blenkinsop, Sir," (tugs forelock, bows and scrapes) "I went to the Doctor in the morning and he told me I had bubonic plague. He said I should stay off work and I was feeling more than somewhat unable to work so I stayed at home, Mr Blenkinsop Sir." (More bowing, scraping, tugging of forelock and ass-licking for fear of losing job.)
"Only bubonic plague? You malingering little bastard! If I had my way you'd be horsewhipped within an inch of your life! As it is I'm feeling lenient today. Go and apologise to all your colleagues for making them work harder yesterday and I'll say no more!"
The following day the BBC announces "Blenkinsop's cotton-reel manufacturing plant has had to close down as all the staff were killed by a particularly virulent case of bubonic plague which was allowed to spread around the factory by one person with the disease going round and speaking to everyone on the shop floor. We tried to contact the owner of the factory but it turns out he's dead as well. Oh well, easy come, easy go . . ."