Monday, May 29, 2006

Must Listen

This is mandatory.
Go immediately to www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 and click on the Listen Again icon. Select "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" and sit back and listen to half an hour of absolute zany nonsense. I'm in the audience on this one so you will hear that the audience reaction really does contribute to the whole show.
Love it or hate it? I don't care. It's a way of life.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A life for a life?

Colin Watson is dead. He was 63. He died falling from a 40ft larch tree. What he was doing up there is open to question.
What is fact is that Mr Watson had spent his lifetime stealing. Not money. Not gold or jewels. Not other tangible valuables.
He stole eggs - birds' eggs. From the nests of rare birds like ospreys, golden eagles, rare falcons, hawks and snipes. Eggs which could have helped to make these species less endangered had they been allowed to hatch and grow into adult birds.
In effect Mr Watson stole life from eggs which could possibly have hatched into chicks. He stole the most important thing on the planet - life itself.
I don't know why Mr Watson had this obsession but it seems it must have been compulsive. He was brought before the courts on many occasions over many years and fined - in total - more than £5,000. A spokesman for The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds stated that, although the death of anybody was regrettable, endangered and rare species would now be less vulnerable. Mr Watson's son has said that his father had seen the error of his previous ways and was just climbing the tree to take photographs of the nesting birds.
Yeah, right . . .
Some people would say that if that was the case he should have been helping the authorities to bring other egg-thieves to justice. Some people would say that, had we been able to use some of the knowledge that Mr Watson had accumulated over the years, we would be able to increase our understanding of these species and thus better help them to survive and increase in numbers.
Some would just say that Mr Watson got his just desserts - in depriving rare birds of life he finally lost his own life.
Personally, I am uncomfortable with a society that only reacts after an event. We need more positive action to protect what is, in effect, all our heritage. Our future - as well as our past.
You're getting too profound again, Mac.
Nuff said.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Everything's Grey

In the store where I work they have one day of the week when the over-60s get 10% discount. Talk is of the power of the"grey pound" and there is no doubt that - because of the preferential discount - trade and income for the store is increased on that day. So old people have a lot of power. No longer are they the "pipe and slippers by the fireside" brigade. Not just tea and cucumber sandwiches with the old maids. Now retired people are a force to be reckoned with.
So it is no surprise to find a senior citizen in the news for being the oldest person to reach the summit of Everest. 70-year-old Takao Arayama was pictured in the news on top of the mighty mountain wearing his oxygen mask and looking as happy as can be. There is no doubt that what he has done is a magnificent personal achievement. He also made it plain that he would not have been able to do it without the help of the Sherpas who guided him and helped him carry his equipment. The news story commented that more than 1,400 people have climbed to the summit since Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Ten-Zing first achieved the feat in the early 1950s.
How long before we all go to the summit of Everest on a day-trip?
As life goes on we all hope to live longer. Retired people have more time to try to achieve their life's ambitions. Mr Arayama has realised his. Others may want to go into space or explore virgin forests.
Me? I just don't want to die. I want to live for ever. But perhaps that is just because I'm scared of dying . . .
Nuff said.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Somebody help poor Laura

There is a lady who is mentioned almost daily in the news media. She is obviously a single destitute because there are always references to supporting her or maintaining her. She must be in a bad way financially. Is she homeless? A battered wife? It seems unclear. What is very clear is that physically and mentally she is in need of help. References are often made to her breakdowns and she seems to collapse on a very regular basis. She obviously takes the state of the world very much to heart. Stories about illegal immigrants cause her breakdowns. She collapses when unruly youths fight in the streets . . .
Poor girl - somebody should help her.
Perhaps we should start a campaign to save her. Help her through her difficulties, treat her ailments. In short, support her and bring her back to health and strength with a sound mind.
To this end I suggest you send any donation you can - not necessarily just money. Old clothes with a bit of life left in them, discarded anti-depressant drugs may be helpful, a large cardboard box for her to live in. Anything that could help alleviate her problems. But most of all we must show her that we care. Why not send her a message of encouragement, a sign that she is not alone in the world, showing that we all love her really.
Any donations or messages should be sent care of

Rt Hon John Reid MP, Home Secretary,
The Home Office
London
UK

Please mark your envelope:


LAURA NORDER SUPPORT FUND
Thank you in advance for your extreme generosity.

Apologise

The Criminal Records Bureau, part of the Home Office in the UK, has come under attack for many reasons over the past few months. Now another "mistake" has been uncovered. Many employers, from education authorities to banks, from retail organisations to the civil service, ask for a check to be made on your past criminal history. An extremely good idea. If you wanted to work in a bank but had a record of fraud, would it be in the bank's interest to employ you? If you were a shoplifter applying for a position in a shop would that be putting temptation in your way?Perhaps not a good idea to have a job in that area. Would it be in your interests to put you in a position where you could be tempted to offend again? Or would it be safer to advise you to try for a position where temptation is not put in your path? To get a job as a teacher, child carer, or almost anything outside the mundane and ordinary, the Criminal Records Bureau is consulted. It would not be a good idea to employ a paedophile as a teacher or child carer. However much the candidate had reformed there would always be the temptation to err again. All very commendable. Protect our children, our commerce from those who may be tempted to take advantage of a privileged position. If it works . . .
However, it has been discovered that there is an error rate in the dissemination of these reports from the Criminal Records Bureau. If your name coincides with that of a genuine criminal you may be reported as being anything from a shoplifter to a sex maniac. It seems this has happened some 2,700 times (and that is only the cases which were appealed and successfully changed - God knows how many others there may have been who didn't realise that you could get the records changed if they were incorrect!). That is 2,700-plus lost opportunities for careers - for innocent people. The Home Office claims that this is "just 0.03%" of all reports made. Yes, that is a low error rate but when people's livelihoods depend on these reports that is still 0.03% too much. The person reported on is sent a report at the same time as the prospective employer but it takes at least 3 weeks to check and amend such erroneous reports. In that time the prospective employer has discarded what may be the best person for the job because they can't wait. Careers can be, and have been, ruined. It must be corrected and compensation must be paid by the Government for lost earnings and lost reputation. At the present time the Home Office has even refused to issue apologies to those 2,700 people who have had this slur cast on their characters. The new Home Secretary, or the Prime Minister, or both, should personally apologise to each and every one of these wronged people.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Musical differences . . .

I have spent most of tonight glued to the TV watching musical competitions. First the Young Musician of the Year competition on BBC2. In this competition young (usually teenage) musicians from all sections of "serious" music battle it out in categories like strings, brass, percussion, piano, etc through rounds to the final. I pity the judges of the finals because they are not judging like for like, not violin against violin, or piano against piano, but the winners of each category against each other. This year's winner was a clarinettist. His whole performance showed his one-ness with the instrument. I was glad to see that he was the only one of the finalists who didn't come from a musical family. All the others had musicians as parents or close relatives and had been groomed from a very young age. Mark on the clarinet came from an ordinary home where mum couldn't tell a crotchet from a quaver. He had done it all himself. He thoroughly deserved the prize. That should not detract from the pure musicianship of the other finalists, all of whom will surely go on to make fine careers in their chosen art. I especially admired the percussionist who again showed his complete one-ness with the instruments. He dashed from one set of instruments to another in a very involved concerto written specially for percussion. His finale was an almost balletic performance on the chimes - very emotional and dramatic. I think he could go far.
The second competition was the farce called the Eurovision Song Contest. The absolute crap delivered would neither satisfy the young nor the old. This is the music that nobody wanted. It is the detritus of the musical world which, without the hype of the European TV companies, would sink without trace.
At least the winners, Finland, had the guts to show that the whole thing was a farce. They dressed as Klingons and other imaginary aliens and sang about "Rock Hallelujah". The croaking voice of the lead singer was at least in tune - which is more than can be said for many of the other "artistes". The young lady representing France would have benefited from a lesson in listening to the accompanying musicians so that she could at least pitch in the same key. These guys should have watched the Young Musician programme and gone home instead of making fools of themselves.
Nuff said.

Aunt Sally is not an Old Maid . . .

Going back to my blog of last Sunday - the old friend I contacted listed among her pastimes a curious thing called "Aunt Sally". I was mystified. I was dumbfounded. Did she worship relatives? Did she have a thing about maiden aunts? I decided to research this "Aunt Sally" and found that it was a game!
Apparently in Oxfordshire and its peripherals they play a game in the local pubs called "Aunt Sally". The rules are quite simple: throw a stick at a target and try to knock if off a 2ft 6in pole! Then do it again until you have thrown six sticks. The target is called a dolly. The sticks have to be 18 inches long, two inches in diameter and weigh between 1lb 2oz and 1lb 8oz. According to the makers of the equipment the sticks are made of kiln-dried beechwood. The throwers have to stand behind a piece of wood 30ft away from the "dolly" and the winners are the team which knocks the dolly off the most times. Sounds like a cross between skittles and coconut shy to me. This game is completely unknown outside the confines of Oxfordshire but I am intrigued. I have decided to travel to that fair county and witness for myself the spectacle of an Aunt Sally match.
I hope it will be worth it . . .

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lord of the Kiwi

Who says the film industry is non-productive? Well, perhaps it was me - but not any more! It seems that the team which created the prosthetics for the actors in the Lord of the Rings films have finally found something really useful on which to apply their skills. A poor kiwi in New Zealand lost its leg in a trap. It has been looked after at a zoo but obviously could never fend for itself. Along come the film-makers, having studied the way kiwis walk, and created a false leg for the bird. It is now getting used to actually having two legs again. It will never be the most athletic of birds but it can now stand on its own two feet. I like a happy ending once in a while . . .

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Core blimey!

So the government is considering teaching "core British values" in schools. Talk about British free speech, British democracy, British heritage, British history . . .
Yes, Britain in the past has brought many good things to the world. But not only Britain.
True "Core Values" have been developed right around the world. Britain is not the only leader in this field. Most religions believe in the sanctity of life, the freedom of individuals the freedom to say what you believe and to believe what you want. Many ways of life outside Britain demonstrate love and deference to your fellow man. So what are "Core British Values"?
Is it a love of fish'n'chips? Cricket? Football? Parliamentary democracy?
Why not include building empires by force, or invading Middle-Eastern countries, or even stubbornly holding on to an outdated currency while still pretending to be a full member of the EU?
Real human values - the ones that help all people to respect each other - are universal, not just British. Getting a young Asian-descended Muslim to wave a Union flag is not going to give him a belief in a just, fair and equal society.
Tony Blair shouldn't be forcing schools to teach "Core British Values". He should lead by example and encourage the whole of society to adopt "Human Values" - the love and respect for your neighbour, the recognition of our differences and the good that can come from learning from and about our fellow man.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Old Friends . . .

Yes, I'm truly initiated into the "search for your past" culture. The internet has given me the power to bring back the past - to an extent. Being in a nostalgic mood one night I put in a search on a well-known "old friends" website for an old girlfriend of mine. A response came back from her partner and I was able to contact her by e-mail. I was also able to find her telephone number and today I talked to her on Skypeout (ain't the internet wonderful?).
The lady in question will remain anonymous because I don't want to embarrass her. She has a happy lifestyle with a long-term partner, a good job which she loves and finds rewarding and her own home in a beautiful part of the Gloucestershire countryside. That is good. But all sorts of feeling swept through my mind as I talked to her. I suppose I'm just an old romantic but memories and feelings don't just die. We worked it out that it must be about 39 years since we met but the fact that we both remember means that, although life goes on, friendships don't die. They may fade but they are always there.
You may think that searching for the past is just nostalgia but think - all the things you did and said in the past, all the people you met, all the relationships you had, all go to make you what you are today. That sounds much too profound and philosophical for a sad 58-year-old.
I think it's time to say . . . nuff said!

Monday, May 08, 2006

A Lifetime's Dream Come True

Well, after thirty years I've done it! Yes, folks, my ambition of a lifetime has been realised. I have personally witnessed with my own eyes and ears a recording of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.
For those of you unenlightened folks across the world ISIHAC is a seriously senseless comedy panel game show on BBC Radio 4. There are very few rules - if any - in the "game". It's all senseless humour but to those of us aficionados who have followed it for the last 34 years it has become a cult. Games like "One Song to the Tune of Another", "Sound Charades" and, of course, the completely unfathomable "Mornington Crescent" have me - and millions of other listeners - rocking with uncontrolled laughter. You have to have a totally perverted sense of humour to even begin to appreciate the whole concept of the programme. The intro states that the team members are given "silly things to do" - and that's exactly what happens. Characters like Hamish and Dougal and, of course, the inimitable Mrs Trellis get the audience roaring with rib-aching laughter. And the invisible but incredibly sexy Samantha has all the men drooling. Held together by the ageing jazz trumpeter Humphrey Lyttelton, the show is side-splitting all the way through to those who have grown up with it. Admittedly the show is an acquired taste - you either love it or just don't understand what it's all about. But then, not really understanding is part of the charm of the whole concept.
But yes, I finally got tickets to go to a recording for the next series. I treated my wife as an early birthday present and Offspring Senior was able to come too. We all had a really great time and are now looking forward to hearing the two episodes recorded on the radio. That will happen on Monday May 22 which is, by happy coincidence my wife's actual birthday! You will be able to listen yourself wherever you are in the world from that date and for a week afterwards by going to www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 and going to the Listen Again page. You might even hear me and my family cheering our appreciation.

Will he go or won't he? - and when?

The speculation rumbles on. When will Tony Blair step down as Prime Minister? Will Gordon Brown take over or will sufficient members of the Parliamentary Labour party force a vote and elect a new leader other than Brown? Tony seems set to stay for much of the remaining term of this Parliament and Gordon is not saying an awful lot except in trying to prove that he is a worthy successor.
It all got summed up quite neatly the other day on BBC Radio 4. One politician - I didn't catch his name or which party he represented - said:

"Blair and Brown are two cheeks of the same arse."

Nuff said.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Perversions

I picked up a copy of the Daily Mail today and read several stories. There was the usual invasion of the privacy of Prince William and his girlfriend Kate who were on holiday on the island of Mustique. Comments were made about the lithe body of Kate and the boyish antics of William. They're on holiday, for Pete's sake! Why can't the perverted paparazzi leave the poor couple alone? It was probably just an excuse to show another very attractive female body in the newspaper.
Then there was a ghastly photograph of two lions attacking an ox. Nothing too ghastly in that, you may think. It happens all the time in the wilds of Africa. Except that this was in an enclosure in China with human onlookers drooling at the sight of the carnage. The lions are let into an enclosure where there is an ox. Unlike in the wild, the poor animal has no chance to run away because it is in a fenced off area. The look of absolute fear in the eyes of the ox was very clear. The look of excitement and enjoyment was very clear in the eyes of the Chinese onlookers - safe behind the wire fence. The lions were only doing what was natural but the ox was not allowed to do what was natural - namely run like hell. It was thought that this sort of thing had been banned in China but obviously the totalitarian regime does not have as much control as it likes to think it has. Somebody should put the organisers of this grisly spectacle in the enclosure with the lions.
The third story which struck me was the story about criticism of the BBC for airing an interview with Paul Gadd. Mr Gadd - or Gary Glitter as he was known in the seventies - was convicted in Korea of child molestation. The charge would have been child rape except that he bought off the parents of the girls in question. Mr Gadd was challenged about his actions and tried to plead innocence. He said that the eleven-year-old girl who shared his bed did so because she was scared of ghosts.
Yeah, right!
The criticism came from people who said he should not have been allowed to plead his innocence in a prime time slot on BBC. But anyone who saw that interview would have surely seen that the interviewer was extremely accusatory. She obviously didn't accept his extremely weak explanations and pressed the point again and again. Gadd stuttered his way through his answers and his eyes gave no real look of honesty.
Good on you BBC. You helped to show that this world will not tolerate the sort of perversions that are perpetrated in the Far East by rich Western perverts. You showed this low-life up for what he really is.